Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
