And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
