Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
