You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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