I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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