I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
