I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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