He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
