I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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