i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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