on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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