Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
why do cheetos always look like penises
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
