I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
