Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
