There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
