Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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