and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
