Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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