saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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