I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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