I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
