So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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