the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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