Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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