at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
