so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
