My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
