That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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