Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
