did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I am one with the molecules
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
