I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
