WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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