don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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