i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
