u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
