Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
