there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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