I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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