'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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