So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
