mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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