I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
