Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
