How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i just sent this text using only my big toe
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
