The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
