I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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