She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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