It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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