Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
