there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
