is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
